Last month our department had a contest running that was way sweet. On each team the person with the highest percentage in one call set over the course of one month won the contest. The winner of the contest got one paid full day off the phones, paid lunch of their choice, a movie of their choice, and $250 to spend wherever and however they want; all of the above happening in the company of their immediate supervisor. I don't want to bore you with the details of the contest but what it comes down to is that to win not only did you have to have the best stats, but you had to have a minimun percentage of goal. Needless to say my team sucks at their job. No one cares and every month we are at the bottom of the list in terms of production. But, I had the highest percentage on the team....but I didn't make goal. I was 3 sales short. Our team was the only team not to have a winner go on the shopping spree. But, I thought I would write about what I would have done had I won the team contest and actually cared and been good at my job. Keep in mind that no one on our team likes our supervisor and the whole day would have spent with them. One of the reasons we do bad is to piss him off because he is dumb.
- First I would have done lunch. I would have done one of two things. One, I might have gone to McDonalds. I can't imagine what my supervisor would say. He would hate to eat there. Sometimes he passes around forward emails that he receives about how bad McDonalds is for you. I would have gotten many many double cheeseburgers from the dollar menu. I would sit and watch my supervisor eat and then when he was done I would start my meal of only double cheeseburgers and make him watch me. I would eat as many as I could, excuse myself, and throw up in the bathroom. After that I would ask my supervisor for more money to one more. On our way out I would buy 10 double cheeseburgers for the road. I would also search the trash for empty cups so I could take home as much Coke as I could carry.
If I didn't do McDonalds, I probably would have gone to Red Lobster. When I was there I would have insisted that I pick out my own lobster. I would hand pick my lobster and insist that I watch the cook drop it into the boiling water. When the lobster was brought out I would burst into tears and say I can't eat the lobster since I was litterally the hand of death for the lobster. To make it up to all lobsters, I would have my supervisor buy me another, but instead of eating it there I would bring it home with me. When we got in my supervisor's car I would let it run free in the car and tell him I would call PETA if he complained.
- I also thought about what I would shop for. I really wanted to do what Luke and I wanted to do if we had won Ballyhoo. I would buy $250 worth of candy. I would buy the smallest candy so I could have so many. Or (I just thought of this) I would tell my supervisor to exchange the money for quarters and put the 1000 quarters into machines and collect the candy in plastic sacks. I would bring the candy to work, dump it all on my desk and put a sign on it that said "DO NOT TOUCH THIS IS MY WINNING CANDY. IT TASTES BETTER THAN ANY CANDY YOU WILL EVER HAVE. I BEAT YOU." Then I would eat candy all the time at my desk and never share any of it. Or, I would buy candy necklaces and shoot the candy at people as they walk buy...or ever talk to me without addresssing me as the glorious candy winner. Well, come to think of it, I would just make it rain every once in a while in the department. I would skip around the office and throw candy everywhere...making it rain.
- Seeing as this blog is longer than I thought it would be, I am going to stop. Please leave me comments about what I should have done that would have been funny. If there is enough stuff I will write another blog about it. Also I didn't proofread this blog, there are probably mistakes but I don't want to read what I wrote.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Fifth Blog, Freaks!!!
Well I think it is a perfect time to write this blog. Enough time has passed and people have hopefully forgotten about my blog. Anyway, I haven't quit my credit card job because I don't have a job yet that can provide enough hours. Once/if I find that job I will use all of your suggestions and make my last day glorious. Besides that, this passed weekend saw my wife and I travel to Milwaukee for her job interview. If she gets the job we will move to the rather large city and I will start graduate school....hopefully by that time I will be black listed from credit card jobs because of my performance on my last day in Sioux City. Here is a list of things that I wished would have happened to us while we were in Milwaukee...
1. Drink a local brew and a local brewery. Instead we choose a restaurant that looked local and when I asked what was the most popular local brew, the waitress responded by saying, "well, um...this is actually a nation-wide chain." Needless to say I was embarrassed so I ordered a national brew and enjoyed non-special ribs.
2. I wanted to meet Prince Fielder/Brett Favre/or that tall Chinese basketball player. Instead we meet a dude on the street that asked my wife if she always refused to shake hands with a black man.
3. I wanted local cheese. I didn't get any. However, I did eat a pretzel when we were in Madison.
4. Casey TerBeest makes Milwaukee sound like heaven. Thus, I wanted to see angels helping old people across the street and a fountain of local brew that was free to all. Well, Casey was wrong. But come to think of it, I guess we didn't go to the Miller factory so maybe there is a fountain there.
5. Lastly, since both Joel and Casey are both from Wisconsin, I thought for sure that something bizarre was going to happen to me. Everything that is wierd happens to Joel and I never really thought Casey was quite with it. But alas, nothing bizarre happened. Which, in effect, makes this blog really boring. So, if I suddenly have less friends because of this blog I am blaming Joel and Casey. Thanks for nothing you two.
1. Drink a local brew and a local brewery. Instead we choose a restaurant that looked local and when I asked what was the most popular local brew, the waitress responded by saying, "well, um...this is actually a nation-wide chain." Needless to say I was embarrassed so I ordered a national brew and enjoyed non-special ribs.
2. I wanted to meet Prince Fielder/Brett Favre/or that tall Chinese basketball player. Instead we meet a dude on the street that asked my wife if she always refused to shake hands with a black man.
3. I wanted local cheese. I didn't get any. However, I did eat a pretzel when we were in Madison.
4. Casey TerBeest makes Milwaukee sound like heaven. Thus, I wanted to see angels helping old people across the street and a fountain of local brew that was free to all. Well, Casey was wrong. But come to think of it, I guess we didn't go to the Miller factory so maybe there is a fountain there.
5. Lastly, since both Joel and Casey are both from Wisconsin, I thought for sure that something bizarre was going to happen to me. Everything that is wierd happens to Joel and I never really thought Casey was quite with it. But alas, nothing bizarre happened. Which, in effect, makes this blog really boring. So, if I suddenly have less friends because of this blog I am blaming Joel and Casey. Thanks for nothing you two.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Fourth blog, first one I am excited about.
Ok, so here is the deal. I had four comments on my last blog. A nice spike in my usual one person--i.e. Luke--readership. But, I realize I shouldn't be so excited because I forced Jim to read my blog, I don't think Dan will really remember my blog much less remember how to get to it, lastly my sister definitly has better things to do. Anyway, I am way excited about this blog because it could real implications soon. I work for a major credit card company. I hate it. All day I help customers fill out applications ( i know it sounds boring...it is more boring than you think). However, one very bright spot is the fact that I am going to quit soon. Below is a list of things I want to do/say to my customers on my last day. These are things I may do, what do you think...should I?
1. When customers call they have to give me their SSN (obviously, it is a credit card). Sometimes AFTER they give it to me they say, "wait this is secure, right." I would love to say "Absolutly.....not," and then hang up the phone.
2. If a customer has no plans to apply, and just call to be an idiot (and believe me, it happens very often), I want to say "Thank you so much for wasting my time. And I hope the rest of your life is just as worthless," then of course, hang up on them. Needless to say a buddy of mine said that to a customer, and randomly was being listened to. He had to sign an "action plan" to improve his professionalism.
3. Our card is a sub-prime card for people with "credit challenges in the past" ( a professional and legal way to say that your credit is terrible). As a result our credit limits are low; which turns off some customers. When customers call and ask "what is my credit limit?" I would love to say, "at least 5,000 or maybe 10,000. We want to give you a huge limit because you are so responsible. Actually you know what Mr. Customer, what do you want. What do you think you deserve? I know you are badass and will probably re-finanace your sweet ride. What do you need?" I am pretty sure if I said that, and they reviewed that call the same day, they would walk me out the door.
4. I am not exaggerating when I say every other customer is very rude. I think the rude customers need to know how much I don't appreciate their rudeness. I would like to be just as rude. Some things I could do include eating snacks with my mouth open while on the phone with customer. Maybe I could point out to the customer that they are rude. I could ask them why they are rude, ask them if their day has been just unbearable, ask them if their life sucks as much as it sounds like it does, ask them if it is their fault that their credit is terrible or if the world is just out to get them. Keep in mine those would be said with sarcasm so extreme I would have to mute my phone between questions so I could laugh out loud. Lastly, I would never push the mute button on my phone. Then the customer could hear what I say to my neighbors about them. That would be so funny.
If I could do all of that, it would make my months there worth the hell.....almost.
1. When customers call they have to give me their SSN (obviously, it is a credit card). Sometimes AFTER they give it to me they say, "wait this is secure, right." I would love to say "Absolutly.....not," and then hang up the phone.
2. If a customer has no plans to apply, and just call to be an idiot (and believe me, it happens very often), I want to say "Thank you so much for wasting my time. And I hope the rest of your life is just as worthless," then of course, hang up on them. Needless to say a buddy of mine said that to a customer, and randomly was being listened to. He had to sign an "action plan" to improve his professionalism.
3. Our card is a sub-prime card for people with "credit challenges in the past" ( a professional and legal way to say that your credit is terrible). As a result our credit limits are low; which turns off some customers. When customers call and ask "what is my credit limit?" I would love to say, "at least 5,000 or maybe 10,000. We want to give you a huge limit because you are so responsible. Actually you know what Mr. Customer, what do you want. What do you think you deserve? I know you are badass and will probably re-finanace your sweet ride. What do you need?" I am pretty sure if I said that, and they reviewed that call the same day, they would walk me out the door.
4. I am not exaggerating when I say every other customer is very rude. I think the rude customers need to know how much I don't appreciate their rudeness. I would like to be just as rude. Some things I could do include eating snacks with my mouth open while on the phone with customer. Maybe I could point out to the customer that they are rude. I could ask them why they are rude, ask them if their day has been just unbearable, ask them if their life sucks as much as it sounds like it does, ask them if it is their fault that their credit is terrible or if the world is just out to get them. Keep in mine those would be said with sarcasm so extreme I would have to mute my phone between questions so I could laugh out loud. Lastly, I would never push the mute button on my phone. Then the customer could hear what I say to my neighbors about them. That would be so funny.
If I could do all of that, it would make my months there worth the hell.....almost.
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