Tragic Sixth blog.

Last month our department had a contest running that was way sweet. On each team the person with the highest percentage in one call set over the course of one month won the contest. The winner of the contest got one paid full day off the phones, paid lunch of their choice, a movie of their choice, and $250 to spend wherever and however they want; all of the above happening in the company of their immediate supervisor. I don't want to bore you with the details of the contest but what it comes down to is that to win not only did you have to have the best stats, but you had to have a minimun percentage of goal. Needless to say my team sucks at their job. No one cares and every month we are at the bottom of the list in terms of production. But, I had the highest percentage on the team....but I didn't make goal. I was 3 sales short. Our team was the only team not to have a winner go on the shopping spree. But, I thought I would write about what I would have done had I won the team contest and actually cared and been good at my job. Keep in mind that no one on our team likes our supervisor and the whole day would have spent with them. One of the reasons we do bad is to piss him off because he is dumb.

- First I would have done lunch. I would have done one of two things. One, I might have gone to McDonalds. I can't imagine what my supervisor would say. He would hate to eat there. Sometimes he passes around forward emails that he receives about how bad McDonalds is for you. I would have gotten many many double cheeseburgers from the dollar menu. I would sit and watch my supervisor eat and then when he was done I would start my meal of only double cheeseburgers and make him watch me. I would eat as many as I could, excuse myself, and throw up in the bathroom. After that I would ask my supervisor for more money to one more. On our way out I would buy 10 double cheeseburgers for the road. I would also search the trash for empty cups so I could take home as much Coke as I could carry.
If I didn't do McDonalds, I probably would have gone to Red Lobster. When I was there I would have insisted that I pick out my own lobster. I would hand pick my lobster and insist that I watch the cook drop it into the boiling water. When the lobster was brought out I would burst into tears and say I can't eat the lobster since I was litterally the hand of death for the lobster. To make it up to all lobsters, I would have my supervisor buy me another, but instead of eating it there I would bring it home with me. When we got in my supervisor's car I would let it run free in the car and tell him I would call PETA if he complained.

- I also thought about what I would shop for. I really wanted to do what Luke and I wanted to do if we had won Ballyhoo. I would buy $250 worth of candy. I would buy the smallest candy so I could have so many. Or (I just thought of this) I would tell my supervisor to exchange the money for quarters and put the 1000 quarters into machines and collect the candy in plastic sacks. I would bring the candy to work, dump it all on my desk and put a sign on it that said "DO NOT TOUCH THIS IS MY WINNING CANDY. IT TASTES BETTER THAN ANY CANDY YOU WILL EVER HAVE. I BEAT YOU." Then I would eat candy all the time at my desk and never share any of it. Or, I would buy candy necklaces and shoot the candy at people as they walk buy...or ever talk to me without addresssing me as the glorious candy winner. Well, come to think of it, I would just make it rain every once in a while in the department. I would skip around the office and throw candy everywhere...making it rain.

- Seeing as this blog is longer than I thought it would be, I am going to stop. Please leave me comments about what I should have done that would have been funny. If there is enough stuff I will write another blog about it. Also I didn't proofread this blog, there are probably mistakes but I don't want to read what I wrote.