Post 10 - My friends in the 'Bachelorette' - Part 1.

So last night my wife was watching the season premier of the Bachelorette. Naturally, I also watched about half of it. But the thing is I get frustrated watching those shows because there are no dudes on that show that are real dudes. They are all model looking dudes who are pretty much retired by the age of 30 because they are rich beyond belief. There are no real dudes on the show. That led to my thinking about how well an actual dude would do...probably not too well. That thought led me to thinking about my friends, who are all cool dudes. I got to wondering how my friends would do on the show. Again if one of my friends was alone with 25 other idiot rich guys, they probably wouldn't do too well. But what if my dude friends were the only ones on the show? How would they do? This post is me exploring what my friends would do on the show to impress the girl on the first night in order to get through the first rose ceremony. I am going to be the annoying host. Also, I am only going to use my college friends, because the two people who are going to read this are both college dudes.

I am going to explore the first night; which includes an initial greeting after the guys get out of a limo, one-on-one time with the chick, mingle time with other dudes, and the rose ceremony. I'll call the girl Amy because that is a short name to write.

Dan Taylor - When Dan first gets out of the limo to meet Amy he is wearing Chucks, cargo shorts, and a button down short sleeve shirt. He steps up to her and says, "hey I'm Dan Taylor, but my friends call me Dan 'the frickin man' Taylor." Me, as the host, then steps in and says, "actually his name is Dan 'downtown gay porn' Taylor." Dan tells me to get the fuck out of there and then shakes hands with Amy. Dan then tells her she is not fat and that's definitly his "cool ass style."
Dan then goes in the house looking for the drinks. He immediatly fixes himself a triple White Russian and downs it because no one is watching. He then fixes another triple and drinks most of it and looks over as Jim Ellis comes in the room, the next contestant. Dan says, "Jim, what are you doing here, I thought you were gay." Dan laughs and spills most his drink, finishes what is left, and promptly makes himself another White Russian. At this point Dan is feeling really tipsy and really funny at the same time.
As soon as the other dude contestants get in the room I, as the host, tell everyone that the rose ceremony is in three hours so they need to get as much alone time with Amy in, or Amy is going to send their asses home. Dan feels as though being first would be the best option becuase then he wouldn't have to talk to her for the rest of the night. Dan quickly wisps Amy into a private room and begins the charming process.
Dan deceides to break the ice with a harmless question, "So Amy, how did you get so hot?" Dan listens intently as she giggles and gets that googly look in her face. Dan then gets really confused when she starts touching his red curly hair. Amy tells Dan he is really cute and has an amazing smile. Dan then tells Amy to stop freaking him out. Amy then gets a look in her eye that says, "Dan, I don't know why, but I think you are amazing." Dan then sees something shiny out of the corner of his eye. It's a nice brand-new dollar coin. What Dan didn't notice was Jim placing it there in order to distract Dan. Dan then hears a girl say, "Amy let's leave Dan with his dollar." Dan looks over and realizes the voice belongs to Jim Ellis. Dan says, "Damn it Jim, you are an idiot." Dan gets up, kicks Jim in the nuts, picks up the coin, and makes his way back inside and makes himself a White Russian.
When Dan gets back inside he sees Steve Pike in the corner playing Super Nintendo.....

Ok, so next post I'll write about what happens to Jim Ellis and Steve Pike when they compete against Dan in the bachelorette. By the way, Dan if you are reading this I hope you didn't get offended. In all honesty you are probably the funniest guys I know. I do really want you to go on the show. I know you were drinking quite a bit, but who wouldn't if there were free White Russians....

Probably last post from the dude..

This is my last blog post. no more news from the dude. although i did start another blog, i forgot the web-site, but you can probably find it if you look under my profile. Also, about 2 seconds ago I realized I was a loser because i am essentially writing this to myself. i suppose i could end on a joke....i actualy don't have a joke

Don't expect too much

Jim and Luke,
I feel like I can adress just you two because if anyone does read this, it will be either of you freaks. Although over Memorial Day my cousin told me she reads my blog. I have no idea how she found out I have one. But, I have a feeling she has moved on to bigger and better things. This blog is going to suck because I am going to tell you what I have been up to lately. Mandy and I are officially moving to Milwaukee; we need to find an apartment. I work part-time at the golf course and part-time at the bank. I still hate the bank but it is bearable only work 4 hours. I can't wait for grad school. I officially don't have any internet at my house anymore. None. It totally sucks. Everytime we need to use the internet we have to go to a coffee shop, buy something, and use their internet.....and we are way poor. I really can't wait to move Milwaukee and start that part of my life. Sioux City stinks. Although we did meet a cool couple that we are going to miss. Sorry this isn't funny. Next time I have more time at a coffee house I will write something witty and funny and everyone will laugh out loud.

Almost good news, it might be.

Well there might be some good coming my way. Yesterday I put in my request to go part time at work. I know it doesn't sound cool or anything, but its a big deal to me. If this happens I will go part time at the bank and part time at a golf course i am working at. I am very excited. But, it all depends on whether they approve it or not. If they don't I may quit, I havn't deceided. I know this is a boring blog, but for someone who doesn't have friends around I get all my interaction through work and when work sucks I get depressed. Updates to come later if I am indeed going part time.

Tragic Sixth blog.

Last month our department had a contest running that was way sweet. On each team the person with the highest percentage in one call set over the course of one month won the contest. The winner of the contest got one paid full day off the phones, paid lunch of their choice, a movie of their choice, and $250 to spend wherever and however they want; all of the above happening in the company of their immediate supervisor. I don't want to bore you with the details of the contest but what it comes down to is that to win not only did you have to have the best stats, but you had to have a minimun percentage of goal. Needless to say my team sucks at their job. No one cares and every month we are at the bottom of the list in terms of production. But, I had the highest percentage on the team....but I didn't make goal. I was 3 sales short. Our team was the only team not to have a winner go on the shopping spree. But, I thought I would write about what I would have done had I won the team contest and actually cared and been good at my job. Keep in mind that no one on our team likes our supervisor and the whole day would have spent with them. One of the reasons we do bad is to piss him off because he is dumb.

- First I would have done lunch. I would have done one of two things. One, I might have gone to McDonalds. I can't imagine what my supervisor would say. He would hate to eat there. Sometimes he passes around forward emails that he receives about how bad McDonalds is for you. I would have gotten many many double cheeseburgers from the dollar menu. I would sit and watch my supervisor eat and then when he was done I would start my meal of only double cheeseburgers and make him watch me. I would eat as many as I could, excuse myself, and throw up in the bathroom. After that I would ask my supervisor for more money to one more. On our way out I would buy 10 double cheeseburgers for the road. I would also search the trash for empty cups so I could take home as much Coke as I could carry.
If I didn't do McDonalds, I probably would have gone to Red Lobster. When I was there I would have insisted that I pick out my own lobster. I would hand pick my lobster and insist that I watch the cook drop it into the boiling water. When the lobster was brought out I would burst into tears and say I can't eat the lobster since I was litterally the hand of death for the lobster. To make it up to all lobsters, I would have my supervisor buy me another, but instead of eating it there I would bring it home with me. When we got in my supervisor's car I would let it run free in the car and tell him I would call PETA if he complained.

- I also thought about what I would shop for. I really wanted to do what Luke and I wanted to do if we had won Ballyhoo. I would buy $250 worth of candy. I would buy the smallest candy so I could have so many. Or (I just thought of this) I would tell my supervisor to exchange the money for quarters and put the 1000 quarters into machines and collect the candy in plastic sacks. I would bring the candy to work, dump it all on my desk and put a sign on it that said "DO NOT TOUCH THIS IS MY WINNING CANDY. IT TASTES BETTER THAN ANY CANDY YOU WILL EVER HAVE. I BEAT YOU." Then I would eat candy all the time at my desk and never share any of it. Or, I would buy candy necklaces and shoot the candy at people as they walk buy...or ever talk to me without addresssing me as the glorious candy winner. Well, come to think of it, I would just make it rain every once in a while in the department. I would skip around the office and throw candy everywhere...making it rain.

- Seeing as this blog is longer than I thought it would be, I am going to stop. Please leave me comments about what I should have done that would have been funny. If there is enough stuff I will write another blog about it. Also I didn't proofread this blog, there are probably mistakes but I don't want to read what I wrote.

Fifth Blog, Freaks!!!

Well I think it is a perfect time to write this blog. Enough time has passed and people have hopefully forgotten about my blog. Anyway, I haven't quit my credit card job because I don't have a job yet that can provide enough hours. Once/if I find that job I will use all of your suggestions and make my last day glorious. Besides that, this passed weekend saw my wife and I travel to Milwaukee for her job interview. If she gets the job we will move to the rather large city and I will start graduate school....hopefully by that time I will be black listed from credit card jobs because of my performance on my last day in Sioux City. Here is a list of things that I wished would have happened to us while we were in Milwaukee...

1. Drink a local brew and a local brewery. Instead we choose a restaurant that looked local and when I asked what was the most popular local brew, the waitress responded by saying, "well, um...this is actually a nation-wide chain." Needless to say I was embarrassed so I ordered a national brew and enjoyed non-special ribs.

2. I wanted to meet Prince Fielder/Brett Favre/or that tall Chinese basketball player. Instead we meet a dude on the street that asked my wife if she always refused to shake hands with a black man.

3. I wanted local cheese. I didn't get any. However, I did eat a pretzel when we were in Madison.

4. Casey TerBeest makes Milwaukee sound like heaven. Thus, I wanted to see angels helping old people across the street and a fountain of local brew that was free to all. Well, Casey was wrong. But come to think of it, I guess we didn't go to the Miller factory so maybe there is a fountain there.

5. Lastly, since both Joel and Casey are both from Wisconsin, I thought for sure that something bizarre was going to happen to me. Everything that is wierd happens to Joel and I never really thought Casey was quite with it. But alas, nothing bizarre happened. Which, in effect, makes this blog really boring. So, if I suddenly have less friends because of this blog I am blaming Joel and Casey. Thanks for nothing you two.

Fourth blog, first one I am excited about.

Ok, so here is the deal. I had four comments on my last blog. A nice spike in my usual one person--i.e. Luke--readership. But, I realize I shouldn't be so excited because I forced Jim to read my blog, I don't think Dan will really remember my blog much less remember how to get to it, lastly my sister definitly has better things to do. Anyway, I am way excited about this blog because it could real implications soon. I work for a major credit card company. I hate it. All day I help customers fill out applications ( i know it sounds boring...it is more boring than you think). However, one very bright spot is the fact that I am going to quit soon. Below is a list of things I want to do/say to my customers on my last day. These are things I may do, what do you think...should I?

1. When customers call they have to give me their SSN (obviously, it is a credit card). Sometimes AFTER they give it to me they say, "wait this is secure, right." I would love to say "Absolutly.....not," and then hang up the phone.

2. If a customer has no plans to apply, and just call to be an idiot (and believe me, it happens very often), I want to say "Thank you so much for wasting my time. And I hope the rest of your life is just as worthless," then of course, hang up on them. Needless to say a buddy of mine said that to a customer, and randomly was being listened to. He had to sign an "action plan" to improve his professionalism.

3. Our card is a sub-prime card for people with "credit challenges in the past" ( a professional and legal way to say that your credit is terrible). As a result our credit limits are low; which turns off some customers. When customers call and ask "what is my credit limit?" I would love to say, "at least 5,000 or maybe 10,000. We want to give you a huge limit because you are so responsible. Actually you know what Mr. Customer, what do you want. What do you think you deserve? I know you are badass and will probably re-finanace your sweet ride. What do you need?" I am pretty sure if I said that, and they reviewed that call the same day, they would walk me out the door.

4. I am not exaggerating when I say every other customer is very rude. I think the rude customers need to know how much I don't appreciate their rudeness. I would like to be just as rude. Some things I could do include eating snacks with my mouth open while on the phone with customer. Maybe I could point out to the customer that they are rude. I could ask them why they are rude, ask them if their day has been just unbearable, ask them if their life sucks as much as it sounds like it does, ask them if it is their fault that their credit is terrible or if the world is just out to get them. Keep in mine those would be said with sarcasm so extreme I would have to mute my phone between questions so I could laugh out loud. Lastly, I would never push the mute button on my phone. Then the customer could hear what I say to my neighbors about them. That would be so funny.

If I could do all of that, it would make my months there worth the hell.....almost.